Accra Masters the Art of Being Almost There, Finds Accra Evening News Study

A brisk and faintly incriminating study by Accra Evening News has concluded that the average Accra resident departs “on time” in principle, but arrives “in spirit” — with just 19 per cent reaching their destination when originally promised. The remaining majority, the paper notes, are delayed by traffic, phone calls, and an enduring belief that time, like Akple, can be stretched.

Drawing loosely on figures “observed, overheard, and bravely inferred,” the study found that the phrase “I’m five minutes away” now carries a working range of 15 to 52 minutes, depending on urgency, weather, and whether the speaker has actually left the house. Precision improves markedly when free food is suspected.

In a particularly revealing finding, 63 per cent of respondents admitted to getting ready early, only to spend an additional 40 minutes deciding whether to leave “now now” or “just now” — two technical terms whose distinction, the report concedes, remains beyond modern science. A further 22 per cent confessed to blaming traffic while still selecting footwear.

The editorial desk at Accra Evening News offered a characteristically polished verdict: “Accra does not ignore time; it engages it in lively negotiation — and, on occasion, arrives fashionably victorious.”